A number of things could have happened–You might have sat on your shiny new phone and bent it in half, you might have dropped it from a great height, or your phone might have developed a psyche of its own and decided to take an ill-advised, electronics-incompatible swim.

Either way, your phone is dead as dust. Good job breaking it, dude.

No, no, my phone is fine, you’re probably insisting in a very unbecoming and stubborn manner. It’s just resting! you cry, a wide smile straining your features.

Bruh. Bruh, do I have news for you. You’re in denial! Congratulations, you’ve fallen into the first stage of grief. Now, denial might be nice and cozy for you right now, but don’t you worry, the worst is yet to come.

What do you mean, the worst is yet to come?! Wow, your face is turning red, friend. Maybe you should sit down, chill a bit. CHILL? I DON’T NEED TO CHILL. I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS, YOU KNOW. I DIDN’T ASK FOR MY PHONE TO PUSH UP DAISIES!!

Of course you didn’t, buddy. These things happen, and it’s part of the natural cycle of things, just like the emotions burning through your tired body right now. You’re experiencing anger, now. It’s the second of the five stages, and hoo boy is it a rough one.

Next comes bargaining. You’re gonna want to sell your soul or something to get your presh electronic back, so listen up. Don’t. Nobody is gonna take your soul or your firstborn to give you back your deceased phone. Just go to AT&T, man, or whatever cell phone provider you grace with your business.

But alas, you have discovered this for yourself! And the failure of your bargaining has darkened your world indeed, mon ami. You probably feel super sad, a bit achy, a bit like you’re swimming through jello or sour milk. You’re in the depression stage now, which sucks, but the good news is that this is the worst! This is the darkness before the dawn.

Yes, there is a dawn coming. And how bright and beautiful that dawn will be.

After all these things, like the cotton candy after a roller-coaster ride, comes acceptance. This is the light, the blessed balm to the wound.

You can think of your dead phone and not weep, rather, you shall remember it fondly, for all the trials the two of you weathered together. You’re ready to move on, go to AT&T or a cell phone provider of your choice, get a new phone and (hopefully) do better by it than the last.